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|Sunday, September 3rd, 2006|
The MTV Video Music Awards were last week. The Killers closed the presentation by performing "When You Were Young." Or as some people like to say “When You Were YYYYYYOUNG!!!!!!”
I think The Killers are trying to make the mustache look cool. Brandon Flowers looks like a gay porn star with his new facial hair, and Ronnie Vannucci looked like Jason Lee with his new stash.
Al Gore discussed global warming on the show, because the only thing hotter than 50 cent is global warming.
Gore discussed this issue by using a lot of electricity through the jumbo screens to display evidence of global warming. So in a way, he was adding wood to the fire.
Axl Rose presented something on the show, but I can't remember. It was probably for the award for the best wash-up artist for the year. His appearance alone taught me what heavy alcohol and drugs can do to someone.
I attended a family picnic today, which consisted of a piñatas that the little children beat ruthlessly with a bat.
The chubbiest boy swung the hardest out of all the little kids. Clearly he had the most motivation.
This act of coveting Jolly Ranchers and bite size Snickers taught me that an Italian is deadly with a bat in their hands, no matter what age.
|Friday, September 1st, 2006|
I had my first karate/ self-defense class last night. I personally like to call it self-offense. If you would like to see my moves then by all means please stop by my room, but I must forewarn you that you will either be maimed for life or die after the experience.
The syllabus of the class states that there is to be no plagiarism under Academic Honesty section of the Undergraduate Bulletin. The ironic part is that there is no written work to the class.
My advertising professor was talking about how the Little League World Series is sponsored by Frosted Flakes. She said "Tony the Tiger has his big tiger paws all over those little kids."
Marc and I went to the Indians game on Wednesday night. There were some boisterous Toronto fans in the nose bleed section. They came fully equipped with a Canadian flag and no shirts. This lady behind me said in reference to those fans "That is so rude, how can those fans come to another team's ballpark and cheer for the other team?" Seriously, how can those audacious bastards cheer for a team other than the Cleveland Indians?
The funny part is that she considered these die-hard Toronto fans rude for cheering for their team, yet five minutes before she said this puzzling comment her boyfriend said "Hey ump, get off your knees you are blowing the game!"
|Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006|
The Clarks performed during "Erie Days" this past Saturday. There is nothing better than jamming out to a band in the middle of state street with a beer in one hand and a gyro in the other.
Be jealous Pittsburgh, or dare I say Spitsburgh?
Kevin Federline performed during the Teen Choice Awards or as hip people like to call the show, the Teenies. His performance was so ridiculous, that it almost makes it look like Britney Spears has talent.
I realized the other day that if one gay person dates another gay person with the same body type, then both people just instantly doubled their wardrobe.
There is this show on E! called Dr. 90210. The show documents the daily lives of certain plastic surgeons and their businesses.
In a nut shell the plot is: boobies, boobies, a middle aged woman has a mid-life crisis and gets a nose job, boobies, Rolex, Gucci, boobies, a doctor gets a new couch, and more boobies.
|Tuesday, August 15th, 2006|
I just watched a commercial for this indoor paintball facility in Erie. The spokesman for the arena stated that it is a great place for birthday parties, reunions, and........business functions. I could only imagine what that would be like.
"Leroy! Our profits were down 15% last quarter; I will instill discipline on you by the wrath of paintballs!"
I saw on the financial news this morning that Whoreledo has the second lowest house growth sales in the country. Good job, Millwe.
There was an article on MSN regarding how the breast implants of an Israeli woman shaved her life from a Hezbollah rocket attack. Frankly, I think a few naughty doctors wanted a quicky.
I honestly have nothing else to write about. I am currently retired from Walgreen’s, so that means I have no exciting stories about coke addicts attempting to steal from the store.
|Wednesday, August 9th, 2006|
Two male members at a local country club were caught having gay sex in the shower. This is outrageous.
Only Bill Fishleigh can have sex (heterosexual sex) outside of the bed or hotel room. His banging record proves this in places such as drive ways, cars on the interstate, or the roller coaster Magnum Force at Cedar Point. It's true; one of those roller coast cameras caught him "doing the Bill."
I realized today that most Americans can probably name all of J-Lo's ex-husbands or name all of the winners on American Idol but cannot name one fireman or policeman that died in the World Trade Center on 9/11.
My comrade Max and I were watching this show on MTV called Final Fu. If you haven't seen this show, then let me iterate the general plot of the show. The competitors are these young, hip karate fighters who compete against each other for some dubious honor of being the Final Fu (hence the title). I think the creator of that show watched Surf Ninja while high and said "This plot would be a great show, now where are the Funions?"
|Sunday, August 6th, 2006|
I moved back home this weekend, which means my expenses will dramatically decrease by 115%.
Alison stayed the night Friday to help me move out Saturday. A commercial aired Friday night for the new Nicholas Cage movie, World Trade Center.
Judging from the title, I have no idea what this movie is about. It could be about Indians, pirates, or even the sequel to "Gone in Sixty Seconds."
Some people argue about movies like this one or "United 93" saying that Hollywood is trying to make a profit over this tragedy. I say but what about movies like "Schindler's List" or "Munich"? Alison mentioned this complaint during the commercial, but after 30 seconds of a constructive debate, we banged.
The latter is meant to be mordant.
Robin Williams is staring in a new movie called "Man of the Year." It is about a political comedian that becomes President. It should really be called "Jon Stewart's Wet Dream."
|Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006|
I just finish watching Cops. Every criminal on the show is the same. Either their clothes are too big, or there is a lack of attire. Their T.V. is on the fuzz, the baby is crying, and dog is barking in the background. Last but certainly not least, the criminals are not surprised that three cops and a camera crew is in their face.
One criminal was on the same episode three times for three different crimes that occurred at three different dates. The kid was probably around the age of 20 too.
I'm moving back to Erie on Saturday. That means for the next 3 weeks I will party like its 1999.
Has anyone noticed that American's look down on telemarketing but Indians consider these jobs the zenith of the workforce?
I was thinking the other day how cool it would be that a man should get something as equally as cool to them as the ring the woman gets during their engagement. Something like a medieval sword with a dragon's head on the handle. Sorry for going off on a tangent.
I just read an article regarding how women now prefer plasma T.V. to diamonds. Did you know that it is called a plasma T.V. because the unit is so expensive that most people have to sell their plasma to buy the T.V.
Lastly, I would like to thank you for ignoring the energy companies to conserve energy and keeping your computers on to read this.
|Friday, July 28th, 2006|
I found a CVS Shopping cart in my Walgreen's parking lot the other day. I cut a wheel off and mailed it to CVS with a note that said "Business is business."
The Walgreen's interns went on a tour last Tuesday of the distribution center. There are three interns from Baldwin Wallace that play football for the school who fit the typical football player mold. All they ever talk about is football, beer, and how everything else is "gay." As in "work is gay", "reading is gay", or even "not playing grab ass in the shower after football practice is gay."
The ride to the distribution was two hours, and I took three naps on the way there. Each time I woke up, these three guys were either talking about the browns or the buckeyes. During the tour one of these guys said "When I grow up, I want a job that pays me a lot of money to do nothing. I want it to look like I am doing something but really am not." I pondered this statement briefly or else I would have suffered an anuranism. I came to the realization that this guy has almost fulfilled his worthless dream. He is on a football scholarship at B.W. Therefore, the school pays him to be a student, when in actuality he is a moron.
Lance Bass came out of the closet the other day. Seriously, why is this news? It is like Denzel Washington coming out and saying that he is black.
The season premier of "30 Days" was last Wednesday. This episode had a minuteman live with an undocumented Mexican family for a month. The best part of the show was the minuteman wearing a t-shirt that said "USA." He wore this shirt while preaching contradicting thoughts about not allowing immigrants into the country. I found it ironic that his shirt was more than likely made in China.
|Monday, July 24th, 2006|
My brother went to Canada this past weekend. He accidentally packed my tooth brush because he is so on top of his oral hygiene he can distinguish my tooth brush from his. Due to a lack of a tooth brush for the weekend, my mom bought me a new tooth brush.
It is a masculine pink tooth brush. Thanks mom, don't make me look too gay (not that there is anything wrong with being homosexual of course).
Speaking of my mom, she was called in for jury duty last week. The trial lasted for one whole day. The case involved a man that shot his step mom's horse over her divorce with his father. I would expect to hear about these cases in Whoreledo, but certainly not in Erie.
I pulled some tendons in my left hand at work last week. Then I exacerbated (not masturbated) the injury by golfing all weekend. I wish the story was more exciting and valiant, but alas it is not.
My friend Jason was telling me that one of his cows learned how to pick the lock on the barn door. If you couldn't figure it out yet, Jason lives on a dairy farm. When I say that the cow learned how to pick locks what I really mean is that the lock is activated by pushing it in the door. No James Bond gadgets are required since all one has to do to unlock the door is to just push on the lock. Again, another anti-climatic story. I'm Sorry.
My friend Jon was bragging to me about how the law firm that he interns at bought him a new cell phone. I one upped him by displaying all the pens that Walgreen’s gave me.
|Monday, July 17th, 2006|
I have neglected my journal for some time. My time outside of work has been consumed by reverting back to 1996 and playing Goldeneye.
The characters that have been coming into the store have been off the wall. I have decided to have a quote of the day on here. There were two ridiculous customers the other day so I decided to include them both.
Customer numero uno: Man: "Excuse me, do you sell those condoms that vibrate on your d*ck?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
Customer two: (This conversation took place between this little boy and me at the counter)
Me: "That is a cool action figure you have."
Little Boy: "Thanks, it is Captain America."
Me: "That he is."
Little Boy: "He is white."
Me: "Excellent observation."
Little Boy: "My mom said that white people are the devil."
Me: "Wait, what?"
I have realized that any customer quote that makes to here will have me saying the same flabbergasted response. Can anyone help me out in a name to call these zenith citizens?
The Radio Shack CEO got busted for fabricating part of his resume. Evidently he said that he was the U.S. ambassador of Italy during the summer of 2003 when in reality he was a busboy at The Olive Garden.
I recently noticed that the description for the facebook group "I Go to John Carroll and I am not a Business Major" is "People that can think for a living."
I was appalled by this and the boxing gloves came off. My initial thought was that yes business majors can think for themselves which in turn will give them marketable skills and jobs. Compared to majoring in humanities and waiting tables like the creator of this group will probably do for a living.
I then realized that the creator of this group recently graduated with a political science degree and works for a home mortgage company. He denounces business majors (and more than likely corporate America) but works in a profit company. To me, that is the definition of irony.
|Thursday, June 29th, 2006|
I was photo gazing at female world cup fans. One picture showed an Iranian girl wearing a skimpy tank top. She was the bomb.
Warren buffet has been in the news this week regarding his large denotations to Bill Gate's foundation. If anyone knew anything about Warren Buffet, they would know that Buffet's will is going all to charity. What a jerk Buffet is by not giving a penny to any family member. Why can’t he give he give his money to his family members who need the money unlike the famished children in Africa? He should take notes and follow the lead of the Hiltons.
Buffet is the second richest man in the world, as evidence of basically hiring another rich man to do his philanthropy work for him. Bill Gates is basically his philanthropy maid.
Another interesting fact about Buffet and Gates is that they are actually very good friends. Whenever they can find time they play friendly, lucrative golf matches against each other to the tune of $5.
Do you think part of Buffet's fortunes came from him inventing the buffet?
Jimmy Kimmel Live had a contest where the audience members could write their own jokes about Rush Limbaugh getting caught with Viagra at an airport security point. I though of three jokes myself:
Rush Limbaugh was seized by airport security for having a dirty bomb.
Rush Limbaugh had to stay below the plain with the luggage during his flight due to his carry on being too large.
What do Rush Limbaugh and the movie United 93 have in common? Both came out too early and make grown women weep.
Watch out Jay Leno.
I did an under cover mission in CVS today at work. Alas, I was apprehended by CVS management during my top secret mission. I got out of that sticky situation with my double 0 agent status and license to kill. Inquire if you wish to learn more.
|Wednesday, June 14th, 2006|
I attended a concert by the Sam Roberts band last Saturday night at The Grog Shop. There are two things one should never do at a concert (both of which I personally witnessed). One should never do the robot or play electric guitar. The music is not taking over your body if you do these two acts, but rather stupidity is.
The Break up opened in the box office at number this past week taking in $20.3 million. Way to stick it to Brad, Jen, because the only thing Angelina got from her new opening was a scar.
Speaking of romantic comedies, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, opened with over $367,000. I have an inconvenient truth for Mr. Gore........you are still not president.
We just got new gossip magazines at Walgreen’s, where one of the cover's titles says "Brad is Not the Father!" Immediately reading these 5 words, my I.Q. dropped from 133 to 67.
Does anyone know if the media displaying dead pictures of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi violate the Geneva Convention? I had in-depth cerebration over this at work today.
The United States soccer team is out of the World Cup. I think this fact is right, like most Americans I am not actually following the World Cup of Soccer. I don't think a lot of Americans like this event because this actual World Event has teams from around the world. Excluding the Olympics, American teams such as baseball teams are world champs that only play against domestic teams (Canada does not count).
The U.S. Open starts tomorrow. Be prepared to be blown away. There is a 15 year old who qualified named is Tadd Fukikawa. The ladies love him like he is a Hawaiian George Clooney.
|Thursday, June 8th, 2006|
I met the Walgreen's executive from the Chicago headquarters that came to our store today. He was most likely the nicest and approachable executive I have ever met (because I know a myriad of Fortune 500 CEO's and chairmen).
MSNBC showed some Republican Senator condoning gay marriages. His argument was the worst speech in the world, because it was so subjective. Even Hitler's describing no taxes and free cars to every citizen was better.
This "Senator" gave a speech on how proud he is that there has never been a divorce or homosexual ever in his family. Like gays are a plague that cause global warming and bird flu. His whole speech was based upon this staggering family fact. This fact was proved with a family portrait of multiple generations of his family posing together. What this photo omitted were the plethora of mistresses this guy probably has.
Good job representing the American population to better the country and not your political party.
Chris, if you are reading this the new Taking Back Sunday CD is a to the awesome. If anyone is interested in this band, log onto mtv.com and watch some of their live performances. The lead singer twirls the mic like nobody's business.
|Wednesday, June 7th, 2006|
Today is June 7th. If you are reading this, then you survived 6/6/06. I personally did not fear 666 because I won a gift certificate from Campus Ministry, which means that God loves me.
Corporate is coming to my Walgreen's store tomorrow, and in the words of a 3 year old "I scared." Yet I have nothing to fear if I trust the super sweet display of Ramen Noodles I made today. Not only is the display fantastic but the Ramen Noodles are on sale! The display consists of chicken, beef, and shrimp flavored noodles that are divided in a way that appropriately meets the demand of each flavor.
I am less than 30 credits away from graduating college. That means that by this time next year I will be kicked to the curb on my family's golf membership, which means I will (GASP!) have to use my personal fiscal resources to golf. This is inexcusable because I will need a whole starting salary to compensate for my golf addiction. To take the lesser of two evils......I will never graduate. I plan to drop out of introduction to self defense semester after semester until my father disowns me or runs out of funding to pay for my education.
The former will never happen because I have created the trifecta of being the perfect son.
1) I do gooder in school.
2) I do community service.
3) I bought my dad a new golf club for no reason what so ever (not even for Father's day).
I watch my facebook account like how a stock broker watches interest rates. I have recently noticed that my JCU friend total has dropped from 113 to 111. This is ridiculous because people only judge one's coolness by the mass amounts of acquaintances.
George Bush gave a speech the other day regarding the "sanctify" of marriage. He claims that gay marriages could destroy the foundations of marriage. So I guess the 11% of the population that is gay is responsible for a 50% divorce rate.
Does anyone find the irony of a former male cheerleader denouncing something that is gay?
|Monday, June 5th, 2006|
I just completed my first week of work. My store manager caught two teenagers shoplifting last Wednesday. The two teens were caught red handed attempting to discretely put CD's in their pockets. To make a long story short, the police were notified and the two kids were taken away in the patty wagon.
In no way do I feel sorry for these two teens because they knew what they were doing was wrong, and secondly they did it for their own greed. I tried to act cool in the back office while the store manager was interrogating them. Thankfully, neither of the kids was seductive like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
I watched this show over the weekend called World's Most Amazing Videos. All of these video clips consisted of one of the following elements: motorcycles, parachutes, fire, rednecks, or South Americans. Any combination of these elements will create a haphazard of events that will almost kill someone.
I opened a checking account today. I can finally live by my life motto of Earnin' and Burnin'. My checks have Looney Tunes diagrams on the background, very mature I know.
I'm going to a concert this weekend with my cousin. I have never heard of the band or their opening act. Therefore I will need Millwe's assistance on their degree of rock & roll.
I bought Taking Back Sunday’s newest CD. One track is titled Miami which the lead singer says “Miami god dami” in one of the lines. Get it? I was thinking this song should be the theme song for the new Movie Miami Vice, but I realized why a horrible song like Jay Z’s is with an equally horrible looking movie like Miami Vice.
|Tuesday, May 30th, 2006|
I came back from vacation last Monday. It was awesome to the n'th degree.
I consider Pinehurst the Mecca for golfers. My reasoning behind this goes beyond the divine courses.
Only golfers occupied the city just like Muslims are only allowed in Mecca.
Not only was there a plethora of golfers in the city but they were all male, but if they are female they were be accompanied by a male figure (i.e. husband or brother). Similar to Mecca that only allows males in the city or the females must be accompanied by a significant male figure in their life.
The economy of Pinehurst revolves around the players, similar to Mecca's economy that is based solely on the pilgrims.
Lastly, if a golfer hits a bad shot they would mutter sacred names in a debauchery like way and possibly throw something like a rock or a golf club in anger. Similar to the Muslims who throw rocks at three specific pillars to imitate Abraham rejecting Satan.
Speaking of the Middle East, one of the managers at Walgreen’s is named Muhammad. He is awesome, and impressed with my knowledge on the Middle East. By no means do I intend to sound vain.
I have recently come to the conclusion that no company in the history of business has become huge by having insanely high prices on their goods. Including oil companies. Alas, I am no expert economists, but a lot of other people think they are for creating erroneous scapegoats over oil issues.
Bremer brought electronic cars back from home. We intend to utilize the track by the football field to its full advantage by racing his childhood cars around it. The football players will be very confused.
|Wednesday, May 17th, 2006|
Since it is now summer vacation my devoted readers will dwindle from 5 readers to 3.
I leave for vacation tomorrow. During these 5 days, I will be rocking out the plaid shorts everyday on the golf course. It will look like I am in early retirement.
Law enforcements almost caught the criminal master mind Millwe again. No, it wasn't for selling black market liquor or running under ground gambling casinos, but for a parking ticket. A parking ticket was mailed to Millwe from February 9th. This was the night Marc, Bill, Bremer, Millwe, and I drove down to Coventry in style with the Geo to participate in debauchery like fun.
Two women bought me a drink at the bar last Saturday night. Before you beg me to teach you my lady skills, I must remind you that these were two middle aged women.......who were no Charlize Theron's.
I see nothing wrong in my acceptance of their drink. I was thirsty, and these women gave me the perfect opportunity to quench my thirst in a fiscally conservative way.
Veni Vini Vici.
|Tuesday, May 9th, 2006|
Finals are upon us college students which means that there is a plethora of mundane away messages describing their studies such as "studying till I die" or "3 more finals and 2 papers till summer!"
Personally these away messages annoy me because everyone has school requirements, no need to flaunt that you got 6 hours of sleep over 3 days. If you are complaining about lack of sleep or something of that nature, then go to sleep rather than complain via AIM.
Our futon has been downgraded to a standard university dorm chair that sits in the middle of the floor. The Big Guy came up last night to haul "Flip ‘n’ F*ck" back to Bill's shagin' shack. Bill is like a carbon copy of his dad. Both of them stared at the futon while scratching their bellies in sync with each other.
The guys on the third floor jammed the elevator between floors yesterday. Sadly, CSS got them out after about 15 minutes of being stranded between the second and third floors.
The situation reminded me of the movie Speed. The only difference is that Dennis Hopper did not place a bomb on the elevator and Keanu Reeves was walking around with an automatic weapon. Sadly, just like the movie the guys got out of the elevator.
Honestly, who needs an elevator to go up 2 floors? I guess these guys can't do two things at once, walking and being morons. Even Bobby walks up the stairs and he shuffles his feet, I'm sure these baseball and hockey players are potentially capable of doing such a task, I mean they are only in college.
|Saturday, May 6th, 2006|
Bremer's recent entry commented on myspace, as will this entry.
Myspace sucks for the following reasons:
1) It is the facebook for high school drop outs. This is ridiculous because high school diplomas should come with an account for facebook for those students going to college. This is a reward for their success in high school.
2) The pages on myspace look very tacky. It looks like a web site that some teenager put together.
Facebook now has this promotion that says "Worried about your future?" It tells the facebookers of the world how to maintain their account through graduate school, or an actual job. Fuck dental school, everyone has to know that you love Grey's Anatomy.
There has been a decline in journals in certain parts of campus. I am a bit perturbed with this because I only want to hear about certain peoples' puppy dog crushes and other things of that nature via web pages rather than face to face. Although I have not been writing much lately and I can attribute that to reasons being that nothing interesting happens in my life, and that I am a horrible writer.
The Cavs won last night thanks to Amon Ones buzzer shot. I have never seen so many away messages about the Cavs. Granted, I don't claim to be a life long, die hard fan but there was a plethora of new fans. I wonder what the players and coaches said to Jones after the game. I bet Mike Brown was like "Good job shooting 100% of your shots and winning the game, now go get Lebron a drink of his choice."
|Friday, April 28th, 2006|
In this day and age, people whine about one thing or another. This entry will be no different than most people over the current issues, but the difference is that I am whining about the whiners. People are up in arms regarding the price of oil. Yet, the same problems from Iran, Iraq, Nigeria, South America, India, China, and Hurricane Katrina have not just come out of the blue. If people are so angry about the high prices of oil and the high profits of oil companies and want better gas conservative cars, then why did V6 and V8 cars account for about 65% of car purchases last quarter? If one actually thinks that the price of gas will fluctuate and lower in time, then stop complaining. If otherwise, and one thinks that gas will cost $3.50 a gallon then something really needs to be done. By the way, oil prices are not set by the White House, but rather simple supply and demand. Most profits made by the oil companies are from overseas. Three-quarters Exxon Mobil’s $8.4 billion first-quarter profit was earned abroad. These earnings are 7% higher than expect, compared to the average newspaper profit margin was 19.5% last quarter.
Oil prices need to provide incentives to produce more or less, but at the same time prices need to ration oil according to supply and demand.
Speaking of gas, I saw the most ridiculous thing at the gas station the other day. The incompetence and ineptness of this person goes way beyond words. This young lady was pumping gas in her car (no that is not the ridiculous part of a lady pumping gas) while the car was running. The car was not running so that she could make a quick get-a-way like she was in the movie Heat, but rather the ignition was on so this moron could blast her ghetto music through weak woofers.
Jeff Whitty wrote a letter to Jay Leno regarding this "comedian's" so called "jokes". He asked Leno to cease his homosexual jokes stating that they are not funny and are hurtful. The problem I have with this statement is that this guy is setting the ball too low. Why not ask Leno to stop all his jokes?
President Bush said that the immigrants should learn the National Anthem in English rather than the new Spanish version. Frankly, I think this is only fair because Americans had to learn the words to the Macarena.